A Trustworthy Path

I was raised in church but walked out in my mid-20s when my home church no longer felt safe. A year later, I moved from Central Texas to North Texas, started therapy, learned that my intuition might actually be reliable, and gave myself a much needed rest from religion.

A couple of years later, confusion, doubt, anger, and grief transitioned into a season of seeking. I was desperate to find out if there was any truth in Christianity or if everything that I’d been taught was a lie.

I searched the Religion and Christianity section of Barnes and Noble, and a title caught my eye: The God We Never Knew by Marcus Borg. Intrigued, I purchased it along with Borg’s Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time and became immersed in Borg’s writing. I couldn’t believe what I was reading! Others thought and felt as I did?! In fact, many of my ideas weren’t even new! 

An insatiable need to know more engulfed me. In addition to other Borg books, I read books by John Dominic Crossan, Bishop John Shelby Spong (one of my faves to this day), Neale Donald Walsch, C. David Grant, Bertrand Russell, Walter Wink, Roberta Bondi, Robert Funk, and others. I was both amazed and relieved that the words they wrote were, at times, nearly identical with my own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I began to feel a renewed sense of confidence in my own intuition and a growing interest in learning about the history of Christianity. I attended a Jesus Seminar and even engaged in an email dialogue with Marcus Borg in April 2000. I wrote a letter to Bishop John Shelby Spong, and he wrote me back. I still have Borg’s emails and the handwritten letter that Bishop Spong sent me.

I learned a lot during that season because in addition to studying Christianity, Christian History, and World Religions, I joined a local Unitarian Universalist church because they honor all religions and all people. However, the UU church wasn't the fit that I was seeking, and I eventually just stopped going.

A few years later, I started fostering a 4th grader who wanted to go to church, so I took her to a nearby United Church of Christ because I felt that it would be a safe church for both of us. My foster daughter was able to get very involved in the church and she loved it. But, once she moved back to her mom’s house, I stopped attending.  

When I was in my mid-40's, I decided to try church once again. Since I was baptized United Methodist when I was young, I decided to check out a nearby UMC. I really liked it, so I kept going and found a Sunday School that I loved. I was even a front door greeter. Even though, I never actually joined, I thought that I had finally found my church!

But in 2019, I started hearing about a controversy within the UMC with regards to LGBTQ+ clergy. 

• As a school counselor who worked with LGBTQ+ students, I was immediately concerned. 

• As a critical thinker who believes that if God truly loves all then All Means All, I was immediately concerned. 

• As an Ally, I was immediately concerned. 

As a counselor, a critical thinker, and an Ally, I couldn’t attend a church whose denomination didn't fully honor LGBTQ+ clergy. I didn’t feel like I could be a greeter at the front door of my church anymore. It broke my heart, but I couldn’t stay. I just couldn’t. I felt like it would be too hypocritical to work with the LGBTQ+ community as a counselor and stand up for them as an Ally and then be part of a denomination that didn’t honor the LGBTQ+ clergy. 

Instead, I returned to the UU church that I'd been a member of many years earlier. From 2019-2024, I was part of a UU Women’s Journey Small Group. The UU Women’s Journey Small Groups are amazing, and I’m so glad that I was a part of them during those years. 

In 2022, I heard about Pub Theology and decided to check it out. Pub Theology is a monthly event held at a local pub. Officially, it’s “a space for open, honest, and meaningful conversations about faith, life, and everything in between. We believe that good questions are more important than easy answers and that deep conversations often happen best with a good drink in hand—whether that’s a pint, a cup of coffee, or sparkling water...Rooted in a Wesleyan perspective, we value grace, dialogue, and the belief that God is at work in the questions we ask and the relationships we build. Here, we encourage respectful engagement across theological perspectives, honest wrestling with scripture, and a commitment to seeing God at work in unexpected places…Whether you’re a lifelong believer, a skeptic, or somewhere in between, there’s a seat for you at the table. Pull up a chair and let’s talk!”

Pub Theology was a great evening with a group of people who weren’t afraid to discuss the big questions, and I loved that! It was sponsored by a nearby United Methodist Church - which at first concerned me because the UM denomination was still dealing with controversy re: LGBTQ+ clergy. However, the church that sponsored Pub Theology had made it quite clear that it was going to stand on the side of the LGBTQ+ clergy. I was impressed.

The more I learned, the more I realized that this might be the church that I had been looking for - a Christian church that actually allowed people with liberal belief systems to speak their minds and not be shamed or criticized for it. It even offered a class titled: From Deconstruction to Reconstruction which is a rather popular concept in this day and age. According to AI, deconstruction and reconstruction in Christianity refers to a process where individuals re-evaluate and often challenge previously held beliefs about their faith, leading to a re-imagining or rebuilding of their spiritual understanding.

I immediately signed up for that class! 

Keep in mind that I was still attending my UU Women’s Journey Small Group because those women were dear to me; however, this particular UMC was providing opportunities, answering questions, and connecting me to people with similar spiritual belief systems; several had even gone through church trauma and understood what that was like. For awhile, I jokingly referred to myself as bi-churchy because I was still going to the UU Women's Journey twice a month, and I was going to lots of UMC classes, events, and services the rest of the time! 

For about a year now, I've considered Grace Avenue as my home church, and I'm committed to several groups. Most importantly, I’m continuing to deconstruct in order to keep reconstructing and healing from church trauma. This past Sunday, I made it official and joined the church. I’m finally a member of Grace Avenue UMC. Talk about a full circle because I was baptized United Methodist as a toddler, and now I’m a member of the United Methodist Church as an adult. 

When I was 4 or 5 years old, I drew a picture of God on the chalkboard on the wall outside my bedroom. I’m now 56, and my spiritual journey is far from complete, but I do think I’m on a trustworthy path. I don’t think I could draw a picture of God today, but I know this much to be true: my intuition points toward God. God is Love. God is Peace. God loves All. All means All.