Southern females tend to be taught to never show anger. Just smile and be polite. Well, I’ve had enough. It’s now been 8 years since my first complex/partial seizure, and during the last 3 years, I’ve driven a total of 6 months. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
To the outside world, I’m doing great because I live close to family and friends who are more than willing to help me. They take me to and from work during the week, to the grocery store on the weekends, and they will do anything else I ask them to do. If I need anything, all I have to do is pick up the phone and call or text someone. They are more than willing, but I know that I’m asking someone to stop whatever they’re doing in their own lives just to take care of me--to take me to the grocery store, so I can get the toilet paper that I forgot to pick up during the weekend grocery shopping trip. (Oh, damn it, I just realized that I’m out of lightbulbs, and I refuse to ask for another ride, so I’ll just wait until next weekend because I guess I don't really NEED to use the lamp beside my reading chair.)
I’m sorry; what’d you say? Just text Uber or Lyft. Oh, you’re absolutely right. Not being able to drive is a trivial inconvenience, a First World Problem. I’m ungrateful and just need to learn to keep a better grocery list. After all, I’m lucky to have family and friends willing to go out of their way to take care of me because lots of people don’t. Yep, you’re right; it’s a good life. Why should I be upset? I’m 45-years-old and have to text Uber or ask others to take me to get toilet paper if I'm about to run out. I have to inconvenience others because I can't take care of myself. Why should I be upset?
Last June, I had brain surgery because my anti-seizure meds stopped working AGAIN, and it was time to remove my left hippocampus. The surgery went well, so last November, I was finally able to start driving again. Life was good! I was excited and began making plans for the future. I even registered to start my master’s degree! But a month ago, the nightmare returned when I had a seizure while driving and had ANOTHER wreck.
However, something has changed inside of me this time, and I’m breaking lots of Southern girl rules by actually showing that I’m angry. My friends and family seem worried because I’ve made it clear that I’m not going to live my life in the” passenger seat” anymore. I refuse to merely exist in a life dependent on others. I’m taking my life back. Hopefully, I’ll be seizure free and driving again very soon. If not, I may need to leave my life of suburbs with driveways and move to a life of cities with public transportation. Although the DFW area has public transportation, it’s not very convenient, so I may have to move away from all that I know, in order to get my life back.
Yes, I suspect that some of you now consider me to be a truly shallow person, but I hope that some of you understand the anger and frustration that occurs when independent people are forced to depend on others. You know what it's like to feel that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
*The original version of this story was posted in 2014 in my Southern Hair & Seizures Blog.
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